Remorse

I have long held the "self-diagnosed," reputation of being an awful father.  Not that I ever intend to make child warping mistakes, but inevitably, that is what I have done…year after year.  I am, however, incredibly fortunate to have very resilient and forgiving children who have offered me the grace of God, where I have not deserved it.

I am sure many of you are reading this and thinking, “He’s just being humble. He can’t really be that bad. Surely he exaggerates.” Sadly…I am…save for the grace of God…a total putz.  Most of my inexcusable malefactors revolve around my own inability to foresee the immediate needs of my children...or…my own excessive reaction to the messes that children are prone to create. 

They say that there is no use crying over spilt milk…I wish I had believed that 20 years ago, as I have shed MANY tears of spilt milk, spilt pickles, spilt cereal, spilt soda, spilt vomit, you name it…the list is endless. 

One afternoon, Sarah and I took our children through the McDonalds drive through, where each child was allowed to put in their order.  When my son received his Super Sized Coke he was ecstatic, as he absolutely LOVES soda! In fact, just a few days ago he sent Sarah and I a birthday wish list for his upcoming 21^st birthday.  He only had ONE item on the list…a 24 pack of “beer,” of the “root variety.”  Yes…that is how he expressed it.  On that fateful Super Sized Coke day, his excitement quickly turned to remorse when we took the first turn and the huge sugar infused beverage overturned and emptied itself in its entirety on the van floor carpet.  My response was not stellar.  “WHAT WAS THAT!” I bequeathed in a panic. 

My son did not answer, though his sister was quick to offer up the cause, “Isaac spilled his pop all over the van floor!”

“How much spilt?”

“All of it!”

“Isaac, What were you doing!? Why were you not holding on to it! Good Grief! AHHHH!” My rant continued the entire 3 blocks back to the restaurant where my wife graciously went in and refilled my son’s cup.

He now had his beverage, though I was still stressed with the now immanent need to somehow clean a quart of sticky cola from the van carpet.  Certainly, it would be a challenge but the problem could be dealt with…it was over…no use crying over spilt pop right? Except…on the same corner…it happened AGAIN!!!

I kid you NOT!!!

How is a father supposed to respond? “You’ve got to be kidding me!!!”

My son cried.

“How do you NOT hold onto it after what just happened?”

My son continued to cry.

“You are not getting another one!!”

He was fortunate that his mother was also in the car. “Ryan, it’s ok…we will go back and get him another one,”

“Why? So he can dump that one on the van floor too?” I responded.

She has a great deal more parenting patience than I do. “He can help clean up the mess, he will hold onto this one. Isn’t that right Isaac?”

“Yes…he sniffled.”

We went back.  “Son, PLEASE hold onto this one…don’t set it down…don’t put it in a cup holder…HOLD it, ok?”

“Yes Dad, I’m Sorry Dad.”

Later I would apologize to my son as well, as I know full well that he did not intentionally spill his beverage. Certainly it was careless, but it was far from purposeful.  My reaction also needed changes. My son gracious accepted my apology…not only that time…but many times since. I regretted my response as much if not more than he regretted his spill.

There is a line somewhere between remorse and repentance.  We can often experience feelings of remorse or regret when we make a mistake. What we do AFTER the regret is perhaps more important than the moment of regret.

In Matthew 27:1-10, we find another man who comes to regret his choices.  Judas, finds himself overcome with remorse for his betrayal of Jesus, however, it appears that he stops short of allowing it to lead him to repentance.  Rather, in his self loathing feelings of remorse, it appears that he chooses to find his own way out of his regret as opposed to finding the forgiveness that only Jesus can offer.

May we find the Lord drawing us to repentance by his kindness for us!

 The Real World

 

On one September day about 40 years ago…

“Ryan, it’s your turn to cut the lawn and when you are done with that you should go stack some wood so that we are ready for winter.”

“But Dad,” I replied, “We already have most of the wood stacked and it’s only September!”

“We have enough wood for this winter…but the wood needs to be stacked to be ready for next winter, now get to work!”

“I can’t wait until I get to be a dad and have kids of my own, ‘cuz then I can make them do all my work like you do!”

“Ha!” my dad laughed…yes…he actually laughed, I did not see what was so funny, as I was being incredibly serious, “You wait until you are in the real world…then we’ll see how easy you think it is to be an adult.”

At the time, my perception of adulthood was a little skewed.  In the eyes of my 10 year old self, I saw adults as large demanding people who were the recipients of free slave labor from children. Now, however, as an adult, I see children as small demanding people who are the recipients of free slave labor for their parents. 

It has become quite fascinating to me that no matter what stage of life I find myself in, the perception of reality seems to be different than when I was younger.  As a child, I could only see the reality that was before me.  That reality consisted of; Mom provides the food, Dad makes you work, little siblings are annoying, and children should be able to play and do whatever they want, whenever they want.

My teenage reality consisted of; Mom provides food and clean clothes, Dad makes you do work in order to use the car and then expects you to put gas in “his” vehicle, little siblings are still annoying and teenagers should be able to live for free in their parents’ home, eat all of their food and use all of their gas, go out with friends and no longer be required to mow.

College reality…is the exact same as teenage reality.

Even as an adult I am learning that my perception of reality may not be fully accurate, especially as I consider the truth of the scriptures.  Far too often, we attempt to bring all things into our narrow view of how we think things ought to be, as opposed to how things truly are in the eyes of the Lord.  Matthew 26:57-68, reveal this principle as the religious leaders have Jesus arrested and then attempt to condemn him to crimes that he hadn’t even committed.  They do this to preserve the reality that they believe that they are living in. However, what they fail to miss is that there is a bigger and even more real-reality in the spiritual realm of God.  The unseen reality of God, existed before our worldly reality today…so which one is more real?

While to the “real world” it appears that Jesus is about to lose, the unseen reality is, that God is about to attain the ultimate victory!

May we come to see the true things of God…the unseen and eternal things of God…the victory that only Jesus brings.

 Betrayed

Our 14 year old Pomeranian is officially toothless, having lost his final canine earlier this week.  Despite what you may think, we have not converted to feeding him soft foods…unless you count his lapping up of his own vomit…that too happened this past week. 

He, (Coda), and I have been through a great deal together.  This small 10 pound pup and I have never seen eye to eye…even when I pick him up and attempt to stare directly into his face, he will always divert his eyes from me. 

It is obvious that he holds something against me…and after this week’s vomit…I have all the more reason to hold things again him. 

I have literally saved this dog’s life twice.  On two separate occasions he was attacked by a fellow pooch 12 times larger or more than he.  On both occasions I snatched the inferior pup out of harm,s way, placing myself between he and his attacker.  On one of the occasions, I was mauled by the large beast of a dog until his mortified owner hauled him away, apologetically in tears. 

Despite my self-sacrifice, this ungrateful mutt has betrayed me with affections toward all others but myself.  When my dad comes over for a visit, Coda will happily jump on his lap and bask in the kind petting of my dad.  Coda will gladly submit under the touch of my children and my wife.  But he will have nothing to do with me.  I dare to suggest, if anyone of you reading this were to come over to our house, you will indeed be greeted more warmly by this black and white toothless hound than would I.

I feel betrayed.  I have bought him food, bathed him, walked him, saved him and he has betrayed me with affection only toward others. 

I know that he is only a dog and his betrayal is insignificant, yet it paints a lighthearted picture of a much more severe event found in Matthew 26:47-56.  Here Jesus is about to give everything…literally…to all who will receive it, including Judas, and yet Judas will turn his back on Jesus and betray him.

Yet, Jesus’ response in the moment of his betrayal is what stands out the strongest to me.  While it appears that Jesus is losing, he is about to enter into the greatest victory story the world has ever known.

Even in Judas’ betrayal, we see the love of Jesus being expressed. What amazing grace, amazing love and what an amazing God we serve.

May we come to see that Jesus offers a grace that no one else can or has ever offered.  He along can save us.

 He Can Relate

There are a lot of things in life that I just cannot relate to.  I cannot relate to what it feels like to be an Olympic Champion…in fact, I cannot relate to what it feels like to be an Olympic athlete.  This doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t have enjoyed knowing what that felt like.  I have not experienced childbirth…this however, DOES mean that I NEVER want to know what that feels like.

I cannot tell you what it is like to be a millionaire, nor can I tell you what it is like to skydive or bungee jump.  I cannot relate to anyone who has hit a “hole in one,” or gone on cruise.  I have never hunted Elk or Moose or Alligators or Hamsters.  I have never been to Paris, New York, San Francisco or Canada.  I have never fished for Salmon or sailed on the Ocean or panned for gold.

I do however; know what it is like to send a child off to college. I will be launching my third child just two days from now.  I know what it is like to stay up late rocking a sleepless crying child.  I know what it is like to clean up vomit off of the floor and excrement from a crib.  I know what it is like to have vehicles break on the side of the road, strike deer with a car and to be bitten by a squirrel.  I can relate to the grief of sending a child out of state to begin their career and the grief of losing a close relative and a close friend.

I know what it is like to burn the supper and then eat the same said supper.  I know what it is like to fall from a tree stand, to break bones, to have my body ache and to experience stress, anxiety and fear.

I often find it easy to overlook the struggles that others may also be dealing with, suffering in, and struggling through.  The more I learn about Jesus from the Gospels the more convinced I become that despite being “fully God,” he knows exactly what it is like to be “fully human.”

I think we find one of the most revealing moments of this in Jesus’ life when we encounter his time in the Garden of Gethsemane. 

It is the night that Jesus will be betrayed and arrested and we see his full humanity, his full anxiety, his full struggle with what is about to come.

Out of the several amazing truths in this passage, Matthew 26:36-46, I am exceptionally enamored with the reality that Jesus can fully relate to all of the struggles that we face as humans.

May we come to see that Jesus knows what we are going through…no matter what we are facing. May we also, seek to respond in the manner that Jesus responds…on our face crying out to our maker.

 Broke

I shared recently about all of the things in my life that are broken and are in need of fixing.  I am pleased to say that a number of those items have been repaired.  The brakes on our Ford were finished…twice, (yep…had a little issue), the headlight was repaired, (only to have the bulb on the other side go bad immediately upon completion), the hull of the boat and the lower unit have been successfully sealed and the broken clock has been fully restored.

A lot of people may have just taken the clock and thrown it away, but the clock held value to me.  This specific clock is 30 years old and it is a piece that I handcrafted myself and gave to a certain young lady when we were both still in college.  In fact, it was the first hand made gift that I had given to the woman who would eventually become my 1^st wife.  (Before you panic…she is my first…and only wife). The clock has hung in our home safely for our 26 years of marriage until about a month ago when it was inadvertently knocked off of the wall where it fell to the floor and exploded into about a dozen pieces…I blame the craftsmanship of my 20 year old self. 

Because the clock held value to me, it was worth repairing in my eyes.  I brought the piece into my shop and carefully removed fasteners and hardware, taking the clock back down to its most minimal state.   I then began some repairs on the broken wood, using glue and clamps. I was careful to avoid any further marring. I cleaned the joint areas so that they could receive glue again and then I started to reassemble.

As I finished the clock, I had a thought that paralleled my life.  Here I am, a mere piece in the hands of my creator.  One of the major differences is that I fall off the wall far more than once every 30 years.  Perhaps once every 30 seconds is more accurate.  Yet, God is doing a work…a good work…of restoration in my life, despite my brokenness. In fact, it is because of my brokenness that he does his amazing work of restoration.  Matthew 26:31-35, 58-75, we find the disciple Peter in a similar state.  Peter finds himself in a desperate need for restoration.  It is a restoration the he didn’t think he would ever need…and yet there he is.  Jesus does that which he promises to do, he restores him, (as recorded in John 21:15-25).

May we come to see, that Jesus sees us as valuable and though broken, he deeply desires to restore us!

 The Last Supper

My father-in-law, used to collect displays of Leonardo DaVinci’s The Last Supper.  He had several of them arranged around their home in Michigan and whenever he made the trek to Minnesota, he would hit the local antique shops looking for other unique opportunities to expand his collection.  His assemblage included paintings, printings and wood carvings. 

The image is iconic.  It is the depiction of what is found in Matthew 26:14-30. Most people can recognize this famous work of DaVinci at a mere glance.  Yet, I wonder how many people would be able to actually name and identify each character in the piece?  When I was in college, I was required to write an extensive history paper on the painting of The Last Supper.  In doing so, I had to identify each character and assign reasoning as to what they may have been thinking, saying or acting at the captured moment within the painters mind. 

Even to this day, I remember…absolutely nothing…about what I had learned.  In fairness, most of my research was probably done in the final 24 hours of the deadline and I deserved every bit of grace I received to get a C- on the assignment. 

What has struck this week, as I have reflected on that famous painting of the 12 men with Jesus, is that from a distance, Judas could have been any of them.  As you get closer to the work you can identify Judas by the money bag in his hand but you still cannot see what is in his heart.  In truth, who’s to say that the betrayer couldn’t have been any one of them?  A quick look reveals nothing about what’s in a person’s heart. Of the 13 images in that picture, only Jesus knew who the betrayer was and what was in his heart, but for the rest of us…it could have been anyone.

We know that it is Judas, I am not arguing that.  What I am saying is that, who’s to say that, I wouldn’t have the same tendency within me.  The same could be said for Thomas, Matthew, Peter or even John. 

Each one of us is born with that nature…the sin nature…within us.  We are born to be betrayers…but Jesus changes all of that.  He takes me…a sinner…a betrayer…a denier, and he covers me in his goodness, not because of what I have done, but rather because I have said yes to what He has done.

May we come to see how the goodness and grace of Jesus can cover all of our depravity.

Alabaster Jar

It is difficult to know what exactly makes us the way that we are. Certainly, there is some God created science behind our height, skin color and hair quantity, but what about the things that we like and dislike and the things that value and the things that we demerit? For example, my wife greatly values traveling.  She grew up going on vacation to different states and enjoying such experiences.  I on the other hand have mixed memories of vacations that include broken down trucks on the side of the road and riding 30 hours to Florida in the hatchback of a Chevrolet Chevette…notice that it only “rhymes” with Corvette. 

One area that my wife and I both share is that of frugality.  I have been called, “cheap” by a number of acquaintances over the years, but I prefer the term “hyper-thrifty.”  I am generally a very “non-wasteful” person, so much so, that I tend to repel wastefulness. My mother has learned to either discard leftovers out of my sight or simply offer them up to me to take home after our visit.  Here lies my dilemma. When I read Matthew 26:1-16, I find that I most likely would have sided with the disciples in their rebuke of the woman with the alabaster jar.

I kind of feel humbled and even ashamed by the reaction that I know that I would have had.  So here is what I am learning.  I am learning that I tend to value the items in my hands more than the greatest treasure the world has ever known. 

The incredible act of this woman reveals that her heart has been transformed by Jesus.  She is the one who sees the true value of Jesus, more than the disciples and certainly more than me. 

May we all come to see more clearly the great value of Jesus and then respond to him as extravagantly as he deserves.