Remorse
I have long held the "self-diagnosed," reputation of being an awful father. Not that I ever intend to make child warping mistakes, but inevitably, that is what I have done…year after year. I am, however, incredibly fortunate to have very resilient and forgiving children who have offered me the grace of God, where I have not deserved it.
I am sure many of you are reading this and thinking, “He’s just being humble. He can’t really be that bad. Surely he exaggerates.” Sadly…I am…save for the grace of God…a total putz. Most of my inexcusable malefactors revolve around my own inability to foresee the immediate needs of my children...or…my own excessive reaction to the messes that children are prone to create.
They say that there is no use crying over spilt milk…I wish I had believed that 20 years ago, as I have shed MANY tears of spilt milk, spilt pickles, spilt cereal, spilt soda, spilt vomit, you name it…the list is endless.
One afternoon, Sarah and I took our children through the McDonalds drive through, where each child was allowed to put in their order. When my son received his Super Sized Coke he was ecstatic, as he absolutely LOVES soda! In fact, just a few days ago he sent Sarah and I a birthday wish list for his upcoming 21st birthday. He only had ONE item on the list…a 24 pack of “beer,” of the “root variety.” Yes…that is how he expressed it. On that fateful Super Sized Coke day, his excitement quickly turned to remorse when we took the first turn and the huge sugar infused beverage overturned and emptied itself in its entirety on the van floor carpet. My response was not stellar. “WHAT WAS THAT!” I bequeathed in a panic.
My son did not answer, though his sister was quick to offer up the cause, “Isaac spilled his pop all over the van floor!”
“How much spilt?”
“All of it!”
“Isaac, What were you doing!? Why were you not holding on to it! Good Grief! AHHHH!” My rant continued the entire 3 blocks back to the restaurant where my wife graciously went in and refilled my son’s cup.
He now had his beverage, though I was still stressed with the now immanent need to somehow clean a quart of sticky cola from the van carpet. Certainly, it would be a challenge but the problem could be dealt with…it was over…no use crying over spilt pop right? Except…on the same corner…it happened AGAIN!!!
I kid you NOT!!!
How is a father supposed to respond? “You’ve got to be kidding me!!!”
My son cried.
“How do you NOT hold onto it after what just happened?”
My son continued to cry.
“You are not getting another one!!”
He was fortunate that his mother was also in the car. “Ryan, it’s ok…we will go back and get him another one,”
“Why? So he can dump that one on the van floor too?” I responded.
She has a great deal more parenting patience than I do. “He can help clean up the mess, he will hold onto this one. Isn’t that right Isaac?”
“Yes…he sniffled.”
We went back. “Son, PLEASE hold onto this one…don’t set it down…don’t put it in a cup holder…HOLD it, ok?”
“Yes Dad, I’m Sorry Dad.”
Later I would apologize to my son as well, as I know full well that he did not intentionally spill his beverage. Certainly it was careless, but it was far from purposeful. My reaction also needed changes. My son gracious accepted my apology…not only that time…but many times since. I regretted my response as much if not more than he regretted his spill.
There is a line somewhere between remorse and repentance. We can often experience feelings of remorse or regret when we make a mistake. What we do AFTER the regret is perhaps more important than the moment of regret.
In Matthew 27:1-10, we find another man who comes to regret his choices. Judas, finds himself overcome with remorse for his betrayal of Jesus, however, it appears that he stops short of allowing it to lead him to repentance. Rather, in his self loathing feelings of remorse, it appears that he chooses to find his own way out of his regret as opposed to finding the forgiveness that only Jesus can offer.
May we find the Lord drawing us to repentance by his kindness for us!
